gsnedders

Below lies the unedited version of another passage written in my notebook today. Later I'll post an edited version for the sake of comparison.

Maybe I was too hopeful thinking I wasn't in any class with her₁. At least I should get more work done nowadays in classes with her₁. Also, I've made sure to not sit anywhere near her₁, partly because of our hatred, and partly to make sure beyond a doubt she₁ doesn't flirt with me ever again (as such attention would now be totally unwanted).

I didn't really like what she₁ did to me before, even at the time, as it was too blatantly obvious about what she₁ felt towards me to the people around us. There is little point in going over the past; it cannot be changed. I must think towards the future, for only that can be changed. Fuck the past. Fuck her₁. And sure as fuck not literally.

Yet I feel compelled to write about her₁, so it is down on paper, and others don't go through the same bullshit as I have.

she₁ seems to be changing though, changing back to the idiot she₁ used to be. Perhaps such changes of how she₁ looks merely reflect her₁ (assholish) personality better.

But why did I like her₁? she₁ used to look hot, but now she₁ looks stupid. she₁ used to be nice, but now she₁ causes me as much pain as possible. But why does she₁ do this? she₁ hates me. she₁ hates my cowardliness.

I must be strong. I must ask my new desire, her₂, out. I must not make these same mistakes again. Yet I fear I shall. I am too weak. I am too shy. I am too cowardly. I have no strength to act upon such desires. I have no hope. Yet I must try.

So, that bitch hates me. And for what reason? Because I'm too cowardly to ask her₁ out. Lust is nothing but stupidity. Thankfully my desire for her₁ started to go shortly before she₁ started hating me.

Maybe I am too shy. May I am too fucking cowardly. Maybe she₁ has a point. I'd've never asked her₁ out anyway. I'm hopeless. I truly shall never ask anyone out. Especially her₁, now.

But seeming she₁ fancied me, why didn't she₁ ask me instead of waiting and getting annoyed at my cowardliness? Is she₁ just as hopeless?

Why is that everyone I fancy ends up fancying me, then hating me?

But what if she₁ didn't fancy me? Why would she₁ touch me multiple times in sexually suggestive ways? Why would she₁ laugh when I speak to her₁ with what appears to be nervous laughter? Is my voice really that fucked up?

Regardless, I should move on from the past, move on from her₁. I have someone new to lust over. History says I won't ask her₂ out either, though…

I guess those lyrics really are true: "No sex, no drugs, no life, no love when it comes to today".

This is the first of many posts typed up from my brand spankin' new notebook. It's also on a familiar theme: love.

Love is hate,
Love causes lust,
Love causes jealousy,
Love causes weakness,
Love causes arguments,
Love causes hate.

Love is like,
Love causes friendships,
Love causes talking,
Love causes bravery,
Love causes cowardliness,
Love causes like.

Love is love,
Love causes closeness,
Love causes happiness,
Love causes strength,
Love causes time-wasting,
Love causes love.

Perhaps she hates me,
Perhaps she was joking,
Perhaps I over-reacted,
Perhaps.

Perhaps she loves me,
Perhaps she was telling the truth,
Perhaps I under-reacted,
Perhaps.

Perhaps I acted like I did due to me being suicidal,
Perhaps I acted like I did due to me being lustful,
Perhaps I acted like an asshole,
Perhaps.

Perhaps she hates me due to my cowardliness,
Perhaps she loves me,
Perhaps she won't admit she does,
Perhaps.

Perhaps I should ask her to find out,
Perhaps she'll kill me,
Perhaps she'll love me,
Perhaps.

Perhaps I should move on,
Perhaps I should accept it's a lost hope,
Perhaps I should kill myself over my procrastination,
Perhaps.

Perhaps I write too much about her,
Perhaps I should stop,
Perhaps I should have stopped long ago,
Perhaps.

This is stupidity,
Stupidly it grows by the day.

This is cowardliness,
Cowardly it grows by the day.

This is shyness,
Shyly it grows by the day.

This is annoying,
Annoyingly it grows by the day.

This is love,
Lovingly it grows by the day.