gsnedders

Why does love have to screw everyone over?
Why the fuck don't I hate her₄?
Why can I love someone who has annoyed me so much?
Why am I always screwed over?

Why does anyone I ever have a chance with annoy me?
Why do lustful actions annoy me?
Why does everything just seem to emphasise my loneliness?
Why do I refuse anything to do with love?

Wouldn't I be better if I did?
Wouldn't it help me?
Wouldn't it rid me of my loneliness?
Wouldn't it help me?

What state am I in when I can't read a book without breaking down?
What must I do to myself to move beyond this?
What can I do to myself to stop refusing love?
What can I do to move forward?

Jesus, take me into Your loving arms.
Jesus, help me through these hard times.
Jesus, remind me of what Your love can do.
Jesus, take my hand and show me the fields of Elysium.

By defending myself in such a way as to avoid conflict at all, I am afraid to do many things, not least asking anyone out. My paranoia of asking anyone out has three levels:

• Will I be laughed at at the time?
• Will people continue to be mean to me and tease me about it for weeks/months to come?
• Will others refuse me on grounds I asked someone else out first?

Starting with the first, people around me will only care whatsoever if I make a deal out of it. If I don't, nobody will care.

A longer term reaction is harder to judge: the three likely possibilities are teasing me of who it is I asked (regardless of who it is), calling it sweet, or not caring whatsoever.

Finally, the only people who'd refuse me because I had asked someone else out first would be someone mad enough to fancy me, though likely only for a short time after I asked anyone else out.

Last night I came across something I wrote just over a year ago: oh how times have changed. No longer do I feel as I did then about anyone mentioned in what I wrote. Indeed, if you were to look at some of the descriptions of people in it and compare with how they are now you'd think I was mad describing them like I did. How people change…

Even if I look at myself a year ago, the difference is amazing. I was, even on a really basic level, far less depressed than I am now. Looking deeper, I was finally starting to consider if I was well enough to ask anyone out (a point perhaps made irrelevant by my cowardliness).

Around six months ago, I was starting to give up all hope of ever asking her₁ out, knowing that after eleven months of reaming I was just too scared of the slightest thing going wrong. I knew I had move on beyond her₁, and that my best hope of doing so was probably to divert my mind to her₂, who I already had a slight crush on. It was also around this time that my mood swings started to become increasingly frequent: back then, they had happened once or so every three months — now it is closer to one every fortnight.

Then, a month later, in May, so much happened. So much that I'm not yet mentally to talk about fully. So much that I could write about endlessly.

After the hellish month of May, four months ago, the effects of May continued to change things in my life. I finally, after fancying her₁ for over a year, moved on, though it was near the end of the month before she was fully out of my mind — to quote Catullus (in translation): It is hard to lay aside a long lasting love/It is difficult, but it must be done by you in some way or other/it is the one safety, this must be conquered by you/Just do it! Whether it is possible or impossible. I behave so differently around her₂. No longer am I so shy. No longer am I so cowardly. So much is different, yet so much the same.

Love,

Do you know what pain you cause me? I doubt you can even imagine how much I think about you. What is it that you do to me, to make me so weak and powerless? Am I more submissive around you? I think not, but I know one or two people think I am. Oh love, what must I do? What use is there in making any move towards will? Will you just reject me? Or will you wrap your arms around me? Oh how I yearn to be in your arms…

What must I do to myself to make myself stronger? Must I stop my continuous thoughts of you? Must I talk to you more and more? As I look down to the beach on the Isle of Wight, I dream of being with you, so pure does the water look. Nothing seems more idealistic than being with you.

Oh love, take me. Oh love, be with me. Oh love, love me.

You have no idea how much anxiety you cause me. You have no idea what being with you alone would mean to me. Please, take me. Just one tiny little hour. It's all it takes. Let me confess to you how much I love you. I want nothing in the world more than you. Help me, oh love.

Lustfully yours,

Geoffrey.

Dearly beloved, are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented?
Or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded?
Or am I just overjoyed?
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word and that's my best excuse

Jesus Of Suburbia — Green Day, American Idiot.

So, in the previous question, Jamie posed a question:

Dude, at the end of the day having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't everything. It's a damn fine thing when you're in a relationship and you're really happy, but the sad truth is, most teenagers who are in relationships aren't happy and end up getting hurt. At the end of the day, do you need a partner to be happy in yourself? Most people don't, although some do. I guess it depends how you look at it.

So why have I posted so much about love? Maybe my previous post was unclear. Maybe it just made it sound as if I just wanted to go out with someone. The reality is neither of those.

What annoys me is the fact that everyone else seems to be in love, reminding me of my past (and current) failings (see the latter of the above posts), which drives me back into the feeling of hopelessness. But how, you ask, will having a boy/girlfriend not make me think of the same things? My mind will be beyond such things. I doubt I'll be acting as hopelessly as I am now, regardless of whether I made the move or not.

Love, lift me up out of these blues
Won't you tell me something true
I believe in you

Elevation – U2, All That You Can't Leave Behind.

It's about moving on from the past. It's about lifting me up out of depression. It's about the future.