gsnedders

Why does love have to screw everyone over?
Why the fuck don't I hate her₄?
Why can I love someone who has annoyed me so much?
Why am I always screwed over?

Why does anyone I ever have a chance with annoy me?
Why do lustful actions annoy me?
Why does everything just seem to emphasise my loneliness?
Why do I refuse anything to do with love?

Wouldn't I be better if I did?
Wouldn't it help me?
Wouldn't it rid me of my loneliness?
Wouldn't it help me?

What state am I in when I can't read a book without breaking down?
What must I do to myself to move beyond this?
What can I do to myself to stop refusing love?
What can I do to move forward?

Jesus, take me into Your loving arms.
Jesus, help me through these hard times.
Jesus, remind me of what Your love can do.
Jesus, take my hand and show me the fields of Elysium.

This is most likely not what you're meant to do in class when the teacher doesn't show up immediately, and when you're being semi-covered by another teacher in the department, but it only took me five minutes to do, so why not?

What use is life when it is surrounded by failure?
By death?
By suicide?

Are we meant to follow our peers example?
Is it purely a test of how mentally strong we are?
Everything is so fucking worthless.

Are we meant to be pushed to the limit?
By lust?
By death?

What are we meant for?
Is the plan in life for future?
Or just for death?

Why does lust exist?
To cause annoyance?
Or to give hope?

What does annoyance cause?
Death?
Suicide?

And the endless teasing pushes it further,
Pushes it over the edge,
Pushes you into the fall.

I sit, looking at the rack of kitchen knives in front of me. Many of them are thicker than my wrist. Surely it wouldn't be hard to cut it open enough to bleed to death? What use is my life? It'll never come to anything meaningful. A bachelor stuck in a room working on web standards for his entire life. What fucking use is that?

Here I am, surrounded constantly at school by friends with their boy/girlfriends, yet too hopeless myself, and far too unappealing to anyone. Why do a large number of girls shout my name whenever they see me? WHY!? Trying to make an asshole of me? Trying to annoy me? What do they seek to achieve? And why only noticeably to me? It's hardly as if I've ever had anything to do with the majority of them!

There again, slitting wrists is awfully risky. Far too likely to fail. I should probably find a better way, whether it be jumping off some high building or something more adventurous.

And then, at school, if I'm bullied again, whose side will my friends take? It seems far too likely they'll take the bully's side. Everyone hates me anyway. I mean, it's hardly as if they actually give a shit about me, no matter what they say.

Maybe I am a little paranoid? So fucking what? Does it change the likely facts? I doubt it. I've been mistreated so much it seems freakin' unlikely anyone actually likes me. Those knives just look so tempting. I really must find a better way to go, though.

When death seems like the the only option,
You must find a light through the darkness,
You must put aside whatever causes you pain,
You must find away to ignore those who hate you,
Who make you feel further worthless.

When life is nothing but a tunnel of darkness,
You must pull yourself together,
You must allow nothing to bother you,
You must put the past behind you,
When you can change nothing but the future.

When you realise your dreams will never come true,
You must find new dreams,
You must pursue them with all your might,
You must allow the past to make way for the present.
Who you choose to be your friends is more important than ever.

Of course you're not shy
You don't have to deny love.
Hold me
Thrill me
Kiss me
Kill me.

Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me — U2.

The following is the second part of The Desire Trilogy. It may be useful to read Part I first.

The subject matter is rather obvious from the start: love. It is seemingly an emo poem. Was it deliberately written as an emo poem? No. Does it have a distinctly emo tone? Yes. Why?

Let me iterate this again: I'm shy. I have, to make a long story far shorter than it deserves to be, fancied a girl for ten months. Why didn't I ask her out months ago? I'm ill. I have been for four years. I've started to drive my friends mad about it. I said several times over the weekend that I'd ask her out on Monday, something I've never done before, but this time said that if I didn't do it I'd shut up about her.

I couldn't do it. I'm too shy. I'm too nervous. I'm too embarrassed.

Having not done it yesterday afternoon, I was massively annoyed at myself. I couldn't do it. I wrote that poem off the top of my head. It's little more than a dump of what was on my mind when I was writing it – her.

To return to the subject of being emo, let's look through what the poem says, and how that compares to the Wikipedia description of emo poetry:

Emo poetry uses a combination of any of: a highly emotional tone, stream of consciousness writing, a simple (ABAB) or nonexistent rhyme scheme, references to the flesh, especially the heart, heavy use of dark or depressing adjectives, concern over the mutability of time and/or love, and disregard for punctuation, grammar, and/or spelling. Themes such as life is pain are common.

• A highly emotional tone: I'm not even going to try and pick out a quotation for that. The fact that "love" occurs twenty times in the poem says enough.
• Stream of consciousness writing: I wrote it off the top of my head in around five minutes. I had little else in my mind at the time.
• A simple (ABAB) or nonexistent rhyme scheme: Rhyme scheme!? I have other things on my mind!
• References to the flesh, especially the heart: The heart is mentioned at the end on each "love causes…" stanza.
• Heavy use of dark or depressing adjectives: There aren't really any, but plenty of the "love causes…" responses are rather depressing or dark nouns (to the extreme of suicide).
• Concern over the mutability of time and/or love: No, although both were somewhat implied by the consequences of love (such as suicide, which will end time and love).
• Disregard for punctuation, grammar, and/or spelling: You want me to do that? Fuck off (although the ending is grammatically incorrect).
• Themes such as life is pain: Although life is pain isn't mentioned, love is pain is, frequently.

Slightly emo, then. I think it's rather obvious that throughout the poem I'm annoyed at myself.

There are several things that come up again and again within the poem:

• Why can I not ask a single question?
  Why must I be unable to ask you?
  Why can't I ask you?

  I cannot ask her out. I cannot bare to. Why then do I not get my friends to do it? I'm paranoid that they'll tease me about it for eternity. A few, close, friends know. They all scarcely know her, and don't really want to do it (although that hasn't stopped some girls getting their friends to ask me out).

• Why must we love?

  This is repeated at the end of each stanza of questions, and really emphasises how annoyed I was at being unable to do it. If I cannot ask her out, why fancy her?

• Love causes hearts to break.

  This is really in the same vain as the one above (although it sounds almost metaphoric, if it's the love itself that is causing your heart to break). Why, for one final time, fancy her, if I cannot ask her out?

As well as those that all come up multiple times, there are other parts of interest, such as:

• Love causes cowardliness,
  Love causes shyness,
  Love causes embarrassment

  This is really intended to be a description of myself, even though I am in many ways cowardly regardless, and easily embarrassed, as well as being very shy.

  But why choose these three nouns to describe myself? They are the three reasons why I cannot ask her out with people (at school) around. Why not take her aside, then, and do it then? Doing that is nothing but suspicious, probably to the extreme that it'ld be better to ask her in front of everyone.

• Why can I not be brave?
  Why can I not ask a single question?
  Why can I scarcely speak to her?

  These three question are quite obviously about one subject: asking her out. They are three very simple rhetorical questions, questioning myself, as to why I cannot do it. I must do it.

• Love causes… fuck this. fuck life.

  The ending. Sudden, and almost unexpected. I couldn't be bothered writing more. I love her, need I lengthen it further? Have I not made my point? But then why such a harsh (and grammatically incorrect) last sentence? I cannot do it, yet I must.

Why the song lyrics? Yesterday's quotation of Discothèque references the uncontrollability of love. Today's quotation of Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me references shyness. Tomorrow's… well, you'll see tomorrow. Regardless of what song lyrics I quote here, there is one thing I must do — ask her out.