gsnedders

Last night I came across something I wrote just over a year ago: oh how times have changed. No longer do I feel as I did then about anyone mentioned in what I wrote. Indeed, if you were to look at some of the descriptions of people in it and compare with how they are now you'd think I was mad describing them like I did. How people change…

Even if I look at myself a year ago, the difference is amazing. I was, even on a really basic level, far less depressed than I am now. Looking deeper, I was finally starting to consider if I was well enough to ask anyone out (a point perhaps made irrelevant by my cowardliness).

Around six months ago, I was starting to give up all hope of ever asking her₁ out, knowing that after eleven months of reaming I was just too scared of the slightest thing going wrong. I knew I had move on beyond her₁, and that my best hope of doing so was probably to divert my mind to her₂, who I already had a slight crush on. It was also around this time that my mood swings started to become increasingly frequent: back then, they had happened once or so every three months — now it is closer to one every fortnight.

Then, a month later, in May, so much happened. So much that I'm not yet mentally to talk about fully. So much that I could write about endlessly.

After the hellish month of May, four months ago, the effects of May continued to change things in my life. I finally, after fancying her₁ for over a year, moved on, though it was near the end of the month before she was fully out of my mind — to quote Catullus (in translation): It is hard to lay aside a long lasting love/It is difficult, but it must be done by you in some way or other/it is the one safety, this must be conquered by you/Just do it! Whether it is possible or impossible. I behave so differently around her₂. No longer am I so shy. No longer am I so cowardly. So much is different, yet so much the same.

This is most likely not what you're meant to do in class when the teacher doesn't show up immediately, and when you're being semi-covered by another teacher in the department, but it only took me five minutes to do, so why not?

What use is life when it is surrounded by failure?
By death?
By suicide?

Are we meant to follow our peers example?
Is it purely a test of how mentally strong we are?
Everything is so fucking worthless.

Are we meant to be pushed to the limit?
By lust?
By death?

What are we meant for?
Is the plan in life for future?
Or just for death?

Why does lust exist?
To cause annoyance?
Or to give hope?

What does annoyance cause?
Death?
Suicide?

And the endless teasing pushes it further,
Pushes it over the edge,
Pushes you into the fall.

I sit, looking at the rack of kitchen knives in front of me. Many of them are thicker than my wrist. Surely it wouldn't be hard to cut it open enough to bleed to death? What use is my life? It'll never come to anything meaningful. A bachelor stuck in a room working on web standards for his entire life. What fucking use is that?

Here I am, surrounded constantly at school by friends with their boy/girlfriends, yet too hopeless myself, and far too unappealing to anyone. Why do a large number of girls shout my name whenever they see me? WHY!? Trying to make an asshole of me? Trying to annoy me? What do they seek to achieve? And why only noticeably to me? It's hardly as if I've ever had anything to do with the majority of them!

There again, slitting wrists is awfully risky. Far too likely to fail. I should probably find a better way, whether it be jumping off some high building or something more adventurous.

And then, at school, if I'm bullied again, whose side will my friends take? It seems far too likely they'll take the bully's side. Everyone hates me anyway. I mean, it's hardly as if they actually give a shit about me, no matter what they say.

Maybe I am a little paranoid? So fucking what? Does it change the likely facts? I doubt it. I've been mistreated so much it seems freakin' unlikely anyone actually likes me. Those knives just look so tempting. I really must find a better way to go, though.

When death seems like the the only option,
You must find a light through the darkness,
You must put aside whatever causes you pain,
You must find away to ignore those who hate you,
Who make you feel further worthless.

When life is nothing but a tunnel of darkness,
You must pull yourself together,
You must allow nothing to bother you,
You must put the past behind you,
When you can change nothing but the future.

When you realise your dreams will never come true,
You must find new dreams,
You must pursue them with all your might,
You must allow the past to make way for the present.
Who you choose to be your friends is more important than ever.