I sit, looking at the rack of kitchen knives in front of me. Many of them are thicker than my wrist. Surely it wouldn't be hard to cut it open enough to bleed to death? What use is my life? It'll never come to anything meaningful. A bachelor stuck in a room working on web standards for his entire life. What fucking use is that?
Here I am, surrounded constantly at school by friends with their boy/girlfriends, yet too hopeless myself, and far too unappealing to anyone. Why do a large number of girls shout my name whenever they see me? WHY!? Trying to make an asshole of me? Trying to annoy me? What do they seek to achieve? And why only noticeably to me? It's hardly as if I've ever had anything to do with the majority of them!
There again, slitting wrists is awfully risky. Far too likely to fail. I should probably find a better way, whether it be jumping off some high building or something more adventurous.
And then, at school, if I'm bullied again, whose side will my friends take? It seems far too likely they'll take the bully's side. Everyone hates me anyway. I mean, it's hardly as if they actually give a shit about me, no matter what they say.
Maybe I am a little paranoid? So fucking what? Does it change the likely facts? I doubt it. I've been mistreated so much it seems freakin' unlikely anyone actually likes me. Those knives just look so tempting. I really must find a better way to go, though.
Comments
Cammy says…
August 22, 2007 04:30:04+01:00
You know who's side your friends will take...
And it's not as stated.
Jamie Rees says…
August 22, 2007 04:46:43+01:00
Dude, at the end of the day having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't everything. It's a damn fine thing when you're in a relationship and you're really happy, but the sad truth is, most teenagers who are in relationships aren't happy and end up getting hurt. At the end of the day, do you need a partner to be happy in yourself? Most people don't, although some do. I guess it depends how you look at it.
The girls in your school might shout your name and look like they're taking a false interest in you because they think it's comical to do so. Why let them get enjoyment out of them intimidating you? You're wiser and more mature than they are, so ignore it. Life's too short for you to let people get you down by letting them intimidate you.
They notice you because you stick out above the crowd because I'm guessing people know you for being clever - good at what you do, and having a solid interest in the kinda stuff that most of the pathetic dimwits call "geek stuff". Fuck them, you'll go a long way in life, but will they? As I say, don't let it bother you.
In terms of bullies man, you'll know who your real friends are - the ones that stick up for you no matter what. What do your friends think about you being bullied? What are there views on it? I was pretty much hated by 90% of the school in my old high school, so I know what you're feeling.
Why do you think about suicide? I'm not gonna make this sound harsh, but you're a fucking fool if you think that suicide is the best way outta things. It isn't - it'll only show the people who have bullied, mistreated and messed you around that they have won and that you couldn't stand up for yourself against them. Show them that you can, and that you won't let them intimidate you any further. Your past may hurt you, and you may dwell on it (because it does with me) but you have to think at the end of the day - you can't change the past, so why dwell on it? I know it's a hypocritical statement coming from me, but it's the truth. Sometimes I'm too blind to see it, but it is the best thng to do. Don't dwell on th things which have hurt you in the past, but move on - find new happiness and friends. Lay the thoughts of suicide to rest. Talk to your parents about how you're feeling. They'll understand, and trust me, they'll be a lot more helpful than you think they will, or atleast I hope they will.
Jamie.
Geoffrey Sneddon says…
August 23, 2007 02:22:38+01:00
Ah. That reasoning. I should do an entire blog post about that.
You assume I don't ignore them. You are mistaken. I just fail to find any reason in them doing it.