gsnedders

Below lies the unedited version of another passage written in my notebook today. Later I'll post an edited version for the sake of comparison.

Maybe I was too hopeful thinking I wasn't in any class with her₁. At least I should get more work done nowadays in classes with her₁. Also, I've made sure to not sit anywhere near her₁, partly because of our hatred, and partly to make sure beyond a doubt she₁ doesn't flirt with me ever again (as such attention would now be totally unwanted).

I didn't really like what she₁ did to me before, even at the time, as it was too blatantly obvious about what she₁ felt towards me to the people around us. There is little point in going over the past; it cannot be changed. I must think towards the future, for only that can be changed. Fuck the past. Fuck her₁. And sure as fuck not literally.

Yet I feel compelled to write about her₁, so it is down on paper, and others don't go through the same bullshit as I have.

she₁ seems to be changing though, changing back to the idiot she₁ used to be. Perhaps such changes of how she₁ looks merely reflect her₁ (assholish) personality better.

But why did I like her₁? she₁ used to look hot, but now she₁ looks stupid. she₁ used to be nice, but now she₁ causes me as much pain as possible. But why does she₁ do this? she₁ hates me. she₁ hates my cowardliness.

I must be strong. I must ask my new desire, her₂, out. I must not make these same mistakes again. Yet I fear I shall. I am too weak. I am too shy. I am too cowardly. I have no strength to act upon such desires. I have no hope. Yet I must try.